Being at a loss for words is not the best situation for a scientific professional who must generate reports, a homeschooling mother, a special needs parent, and a wanna-be writer. Nope. And it’s kind of freaking me out. I can think the thoughts and struggle with the associated emotions, but getting the words out of my mouth or to the keyboard is just not happening. In some weird way, I feel like it is because I honestly just have too much to say…way too much.
On any given day I bounce around from brainstorming on a new blog I want to start about hydrology (my day-job, in case you didn’t know) and how many endless conversations I want to have with the world about the importance of our actions on the water that sustains us; to wanting to advocate in any way possible about the flawed approach to education for the ever-growing number of children with Autism and other special needs that cannot grow in an environment that employs Standard Operating Procedure and views our babies as “baggage”; to struggling with how to improve my own health and well-being…knowing that my internal stress has played a big role in the illnesses of 2018; to trying to figure out how to produce at least one of the 5 different books that are writing themselves in my head every night. Y’all, as you can imagine, I’m pretty shot by the time the sun goes down!
One of the areas that I have been trying to make progress in over the past few months is getting Kimberly up to speed on some of the more basic requirements of being a “big girl”. She struggles so much with even holding a pencil or crayon, and has come to convince herself that it is NOT something she wants to do. I am scared that even writing her own name will not be a skill we achieve. I know in my heart of hearts that “every child is different” and that I shouldn’t stress out but, seriously……….this momma is really having a hard time with this one. I remind myself that it is not ME, it is not homeschooling, and she works with an OT, so it’s not because I am neglecting her therapeutic needs. It just is. Ugh, I know one reason I don’t write on here as much as I wish I did, is that I fear I sound like a (expletive of choice) broken record. NO one likes a complainer, and I refuse to be one…just stating the facts.
Anyway, I guess the struggle of late with “putting pen to paper” as they say is that I feel stuck. Stuck in my own head, and lately it has not been a very fun place to be. I almost burst into tears the other night, when, at a friend’s house, having a reading done, the shaman, not knowing anything about me or what I have just described as my current struggles, said SHE felt like I had something stuck that I needed to get out…her comment took me off guard and I had to work very hard to keep my emotions in check. Damn if she didn’t hit the nail on the head though.
Well, here’s to the closing of another year, and hoping that I find the words I am looking for, and that in her own way, Kimberly does too. XO