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Some days are better than others

Sometimes I forget that I am pretty close to capacity on your average day…a therapist mentioned this to me years ago when I described the assortment of items on my plate.  For that reason, it really shouldn’t surprise me when it all falls apart.

Often its hard to tell what the last straw really was…it can disguise itself as a sink full of dirty dishes or whining over what’s for dinner.  In reality however, the straws have been disappearing so fast I guess I’ll never really know.

For me, the scenario often plays out like this: I’m cruising along, pleased – maybe even happy – with how well I am handling your everyday stressors.  I find myself even doing a little planning with regards to holiday gifts and events…somewhat out of character, but nevertheless, a positive.  A straw flies every now and then with family illness, work deadlines, unexpected expenses wracking up..the norm.

Then it will hit.  Something, not even necessarily a big thing, will bring the house down.  In this case, I feel it was a big thing.  My mom’s big, lovable Kade passed away.  The last of my “dad’s dogs”.  Brother to my Grady and Lara’s Kai.  Puddin’, Duffus, big lovable Kade.

I am a dog lover through and through, but this hit me much harder than I expected.  That is mostly why I am writing about it here.  This is a somewhat desperate attempt to figure out for myself, why.

I felt physically exhausted last night.  Woke up today with a splitting headache and a hollow chest.  It is frightening to me when I feel this way.  It reminds me of very unpleasant times. Some of those times have been extended, months long.  Whenever it returns I worry it will never go away.  I would be remiss not to acknowledge that the holidays often lead me here as well.  After a year of reprieve, I often forget.  I always thought that was somewhat cliché…but over the past four years I have come to feel otherwise.

As usual, I will do all I can to get out of this “place” before the mood begins to spread.  The small part of me that does’t want to crawl into a cave for the next two months is looking forward to spending time with my family next week, our trip to Disney with the girls in December, and of course, Christmas.  Right now its a pretty small part though.

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  1. One step at a time. No more. But then, you knew that.

    • Reminders welcome 🙂

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