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Trying to find our way

Just be who you are...these are words I try to remember everyday for myself and encourage my girls the same. There may be exceptions though. Not intentionally, and often with regret. Yesterday was the open house for this upcoming school year. First we headed off to Virginia's fourth grade class, met her new teacher and checked out the new digs. She seemed excited, but in true 91/2 year old form didn't want to show it at all. Next, up we headed through the halls to find Kimberly's classroom(s). Suffice it to say, our tinkerbell is a bit of a celebrity. Most halls we traveled brought smiling faces. The lovely Ms J was our first stop. Kimberly's teacher for the previous year and a half in the EC class and now the resource teacher for the whole school. Kimberly will spend time with her daily. After our brief tour of her new room and a plan for the schedule the following week we headed down to K's other class for the year...Ms C's kindergarten. This is the nerve-wracking part of the evening for me. Watching them watch her. This is a General Ed classroom. Kimberly's first in 4 years of school. I watch their faces as I describe a few key items of note for our little one. She loves anything musical...she likes to feel various textures and will seek them out...she likes to have something in her hands most of the time...she might take all of her clothes of during potty time. I didn't even broach the g-tube. Ms J will be handling that and I feared it would all be too much. About half-way through the interaction I just wanted to gather my family and leave. I hate this part. Wanting to feel like they know, understand, and love her and yet, knowing that is not the case. Not yet at least. At times like this I find myself wishing away her differences, her stimming behaviors, her noises...the things that make her who she is in part. I know it sounds horrible. It's just that I want her to have fun and learn...to make friends and grow. For the teachers to welcome her in without that look on their faces...wondering what they are in for. And certainly to avoid the potential remarks from other students, the looks, the misunderstanding. So few truly know her potential. Walking back to the car I was full of dread. Wondering if this little experiment was the right idea...ultimately though the truth is this: I just want her to be herself. Be who she is in every way. We will continue to do our best and try to choose the path that is the right one for her, whatever that may be.

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Comments

  1. Oh babes, she will be herself in every way and so many will benefit from that. Stay strong. Your decisions are based in love and will pay off in the end. We love you all so so much!

    • Thank you for the encouragement…I need it right now.

  2. What a beautifully written piece. I recognize that feeling. For me its wanting support, compassion and acceptance for my girl but really wishing I didn’t need it quite so badly.

    • Thank you Liz! I completely understand that desire to not want to feel this way…both for kimbo and for me. I know she picks up on all of this too -way more than people realize.

  3. You touch so many through your blog, even those of us that went down the same path so many years ago you now travel. Kimberly is a special gift and will teach many how to love from their hearts. I keep you, Brad & the girls close in my heart and prayers.

    • Thank you Mama B. if just one person can benefit it is worth it…writing certainly helps me process my feelings and experiences. We love you!!

  4. First of all what a gorgeous photo!
    Second, you described perfectly my fears for next month when my youngest will start school. And though I know it will be fine in the end, for you and for me, because it always is, I so wish we could skip the middle part of it all.
    Good luck!

    *Got here through Love that Max

    • Thank you! Yes, this part is so rough, but I am sure we will be fine…the worry never really ends though :-). Looking forward to reading your blog…

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